Sunday, May 15, 2011

How To: Win Friends and Influence People

Hey you! Yeah you: the loser. Stop looking around I mean you reading this right now. Dumbass. I used to be just like you; sitting alone on a seminal fluid-stained chair, genitals sore and spent, eyes puffy and red from crying tears of shame, and reading the opinion of some jackass on the Internet for lack of anything better to do. Well this is your lucky day, bud. If you follow the advice I’m about to lay out for you it will turn your entire life around. That painful genital irritation will no longer be self-inflicted. Your tears will be tears of joy, or maybe regret, but never again will there be shame. You will have a social life, a fellowship of friends and acquaintances will spring up about you. And they will all clamor for your attention and affection as they will know in their heart of hearts that you are better than they could ever be.

Self-help gurus that are educated stupid will tell you that you can never truly love another until you learn to love yourself. That’s garbage. Forget I even mentioned it. But it is certainly true that you can never dominate others with your superiority until you are assured in yourself that you have it. You can’t transmit something you don’t know you have. Self-help gurus will tell you to stand in front of the mirror and repeat positive affirmations to build your self-esteem. That’s great if you want to affirm what a pussy you are, but you already know you’re a pussy. That’s why you cry yourself to sleep at night. You need to become a dominate Alpha Male. Real men don’t think. They don’t talk. They take action.

The first action is, of course, to drive a manual transmission vehicle. (
http://readersavy.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-to-drive-manual-transmission_22.html) If you’re not already doing that by this point you might as well just kill yourself now, as you’re probably beyond hope. Remember to cut up the road, not across the street. Becoming one with a highly tuned performance machine will go a long way toward giving you the spiritual awakening you need. Once you know you can skillfully make love to thousands of pounds of steel, that fat chick in the corner will be a cakewalk.

Next you must develop a healthy disdain for humanity. If you care for others or what their opinion of you is then you are vulnerable. It’s a jungle out there, and if you try to go out into the world with a thin skin you’ll get taken down faster than a three-legged gazelle by the lions of social inequity.

Drive your stick shift to the nearest high school party, no matter your age. Pull up on the lawn so all can see that you know what life is about. Go inside, grab a chair, and face it towards a wall. Sit and stare at the wall for at least two hours. You will probably either be ignored or asked to leave. There. You just proved to yourself that society is worthless and unworthy of your greatness. Now you can attack it with a vengeance.

Go to your friendly neighborhood mental hospital and enroll in their outpatient program. Make sure not to let them see your true self or they will commit you to inpatient, which will defeat the purpose of this exercise. Play nice. In this program you’ll find a lot of subhuman trash - people talking to themselves, obese elderly women covered in drool and other bodily fluids, even therapists. But there will be at least one, and possibly three or more fuckable women. They will be a little worse for the wear. Their minds will be broken. But their self-esteem will be low, so they will be easy to have sex with. Tell them they’re pretty, or that you love them, or that your penis cures cancer. Get them alone, make them take a bath, then fornicate furiously. Nothing breeds success like success, and once all the women out there see that you can get laid without paying for it, they will want to ride your gravy train.

Now it’s time to kick it up a notch. Find a support group. It is better if you don’t suffer from the problem the group is addressing. You could go to one for gamblers, or grief, or if you’re desperate you could even slum it with the losers in AA. But wherever you decide to go, go there, and bring your newfound attitude of superiority and success with you. Let them know that you know that they know that you are better than them. Then they will feel OK submitting to your superior will. Let them know you are a genius. Let them know how to live. They will thank you for it. Afterwards they will probably go out for coffee or something ridiculous like that. Go with them. Be smug and above the fray. Be awesome.
Congratulations! You now have friends and a social life. You’re welcome.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Superdog

There are a few things that must be mentioned about the success of any hotdog man. First being that they have some experience with male prostitution. Without this:-- failure is eminent. How the F do you expect to sell other people meat if you can’t even sell your own meat to other people. The quickest way to succumb to the temptations of selling your sweet ass for a buck is to live a life full of self indulgent excess. Eat lodes of crap whenever you can, take bottles of OTC cough syrup everyday for at least a year straight. This will give you a good start. Don’t bother with heroin and that other shit, they’ll be plenty of time for you later. Good old robotussin and the likes should bring you where you need to be.

The technicalities of hotdog making will come in time. The subtle hotdog dynamics of dealing with your coworkers, like that creepy dude stu, who you still don’t what the fuck is up with that guy anyway, are extremely difficult to manage, your experience in the field prior will give you the tools necessary to deal with their massive amount of shit. For instance let’s say Gary is being a bitch, Charlene is being a more than usual bitch, and Stu is in the back sexting his gf pics of 5 superdogs insterted inside himself. Wft Stu?!?! Are you going to freak out? Are you going to smash the pickle jar on the nearest fat mans’ head and walk out in a blaze of resentment and fear? If you do it again, I’m going to freak out. Or will know what to do. Inherently know how to handle the situation. Will the right answer come to you in your dreams while you sleep with Stu? So do it again. It won’t if you don’t get out there and sling your streat meat around a little first. Sure everyone thinks it’s easy to sell hotdogs. Just trying selling a hotdog without having your cock sucked at least 4 times against your will for money!!! Just try! Failure, guaranteed. Balls deep on a hotdog.

Once you’ve spent a few years in a total drug smothered haze you’ll will hopefully wind up in a situation where you are beyond gone, almost full circle into the realm of reason again, that you start questioning your own sexual preferences। This only needs to be done to the extent where you are able to imagine a glamorous life as a kept boy for some rich sugar daddy. Being fed all the OTC tussin and No2 your sweet little ass can handle. Once this seems like a reasonable life situation: hit the streets. Hit em hard. Get on a bus and head south, if your already south that’s good, should yield you the territory your looking for. and an an and and allthe nitrous your sweet little ass can handle. Make sure that when you get off the bus you are on the border of black out and almost incapable of producing thought or speech. Sit somewhere, become available. When you’re available; willing to give it up, they will know, and they will come. Some nice young middle aged lationo man, Frank for example, will pull up in that van he drives at the DTC he works at. Get in van, don’t worry Frank’s a nice guy, just looking for a good time, you’re the fuck up here, don’t you forget that!, that victum bullshit will get you know-where in hotdog land. Hang out, with him, try to wager some sort, of deal involving your ass for large amounts of cocaine and heroin, large amounts. Frank might think this is preposterous but come one, don’t you know who I am? Show him your cock, it will be (rock hard) flaccid like a big snail from all the syrup pumping through your veins (sic) like sludge. Making it physiological impossible to get an erection. No matter how soft Franks lips are or how cute that mustache is. Don’t worry he’s not going to want to have anything to do with that mess. Come on.

Get out and go away. In the near future get you shit together (http://readersavy.blogspot.com/2011/05/how-to-not-drink-like-pig.html). Your now ready to handle all the bullshit and harassment those fuckers can throw down your throat. Sell those hotdogs. Don’t ever forget what’s out there, be grateful that you get to choose when a wiener goes in your mouth now. Just make sure Stu hasn’t plugged them up his ass, unless you’re into that kidnd of thing. I love you.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

How To : Not Drink Like a Pig

Alright folks, lets go right to the point: if you’re anything like i used to be, you often wake up in a pool of your own vomit wondering what happened to that shred of dignity you could have sworn you had in your pocket the night before.  You know what i’m talking about...you drink too much and then before you know it you lose control of situations and bodily functions, not necessarily in that order.  I’m not talking to the guy or gal who has a few beers and then spills some down the front of their clean shirt...i’m talking to the slob who doesn’t even remember what a clean shirt is and chases whiskey with vodka straight from the bottle.  

Ok, so enough about the problem, let’s get into the solution.  I’ve done alot of trial and ALOT of error, so i know what works.

1. i do alot of my heavy drinking in bars.  So,in order to stay sober i have to minimize my time in bars.  i can usually maintain for about 30 minutes at which point i start getting cravings to injest massive quantities of cheap booze.  Thats when i know its time to punch a bouncer and get tossed out on my ass.  You can also try throwing water in the face of the nearest girl with a huge boyfriend or telling the bartender you want to climb over the bar and smash a bottle over her head.  Do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THROWN OUT SO YOU DONT DRINK.

2. Hang out with lots of young children.  Most kids i know don’t yet drink heavily.  So these are the people you want to spend time with and become friends with.    You might say, Well, duh! But where do i meet them??  I meet most of my child friends at elementary school functions, playgrounds, YMCAs, and bathrooms.  Just make sure they are unsupervised, because if adults are around, the adults might be drinking heavily and they might say something like, hey come have a drink with us, it’ll be fun.  Don’t be fooled, you’ll have waaaaay more fun with those children.

3.  I did most of my heavy drinking while i was awake.  A few times i hooked myself up to an IV drip of jack daniels to keep me lubed up while i slept, but primarily i was wide awake.  SO, it only makes sense that in order to stay sober it will help to cut down on your waking hours.  I generally adhere to a pretty strict sleep regimen of 17-19 hours a day.  this leaves only 5-6 hours of gritting your teeth staying sober.  

4.  Prostitution was invented to keep men from drinking too much.  Use it.

5.  Spend all your money as soon as you get it.  Im not a hot slut, so no one buys me drinks.  Its simple math folks...drinks cost money, if i don’t have money, i don’t drink.  Buy anything.  I once bought $3,000 worth of sudoku puzzle books.  I also spend roughly 70% of my disposable income on internet porn subscriptions.


5.  i cant take credit for this next one...a dear friend clued me in, but its a fool-proof method.  Ever find yourself with a few random hours to kill after a morning and afternoon of heavy drinking??  You want to settle down a bit before you really start drinking for the night, but what to do with those awkward late afternoon hours??  Ideally, you’d want to call your coke dealer and “line” up a little pick me up, but sometimes he gets arrested or murdered.  The answer: Nitrous.  Yup, the old laughing gas.  It will reeeeeaaaally twist your head and leave you feeling like you’ve just had your brains infused with mayonaisse... perfect for clearing your palate and getting you back to the ground floor.  If possible, combine wacks of coke WITH copious amounts of nitrous for an even better bridge between heavy drinking.  (If nitrous is not readily available, crack or methamphetamine will serve as a suitable substitute.)

6.  In a similiar vein, nothing makes me forget about wanting to drink like hard drugs.  They get a bad rap, but thats from people who dont do them.  Also, most people use them to get high, but if you use them to keep from drinking, thats totally different.  Kind of like how if you stab and kill someone over a game of poker its called murder, but if you kill someone in the heat of battle its called heroism.

7.  Get arrested.  It works every time.  they don’t serve beer in jail so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this is the best place for you to spend alot of time if you are serious about staying sober and changing your life.  The best way is to rape someone or to punch a cop squarely in the mouth and then reach for his gun.  Nothing ensures sobriety like getting a long bid.

8.  Eat until you puke.  the LAST thing you will want to do after stuffing your face and blowing chunks is to go do heavy drinking.  you’ll want nothing to do with it!  I recommend beef in various forms and methods of preparation.  And don’t be afraid to take down some raw meat as it will speed up the onset of projectile vomiting.

9.  Spend alot of time with puppies and kittens.  When i’m with them, my mind is at ease and i’m focusing on how cute they are instead of how badly i want to get a funnel and pour 151 straight down my throat.
10.  Go to an AA meeting.  These people have no idea what they’re talking about, i know, BUT, if you go there you’ll feel alot better about yourself.  High self esteem  makes you not feel so much like drinking vodka until you dont feel feelings..

12.  Handcuffs keep you chained to your wall.  If you don’t keep booze right next to your wall, this is a foolproof method to help you stay sober and happy.

13.  Get into a really really toxic co-dependent relationship. The benefits of this should be obvious.  You’ll be so consumed with alternating fits of passion and rage that drinking will be the last thing on your mind.  Besides, you may end up hitting or killing your partner, which would land you in jail, which as we learned in 7 is one of the best places to stay sober.

14.  Hire someone to beat you to within an inch of your life if you drink.  Choose wisely here, this person must be with you at all times.  They should be well-schooled in several disciplines of martial arts and carry at least 3 sidearms.  

15.  Use a combination of heavy sedatives and tranquilizers.  You don’t see many horses passed out on ketamine getting drunk do you??  You do the math... sedatives keep you sober.

So that’s that folks.  If you want to be sober like me, just stick to this plan.  Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself.  If you drink until you’re no longer able to form cohesive thoughts, just keep drinking until you end up in the hospital.  I’m gonna talk to doctors about getting them to distribute this list so hopefully you’ll get a copy and start turning your life around.  Remember, no matter what, just don’t pick up the first drink.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

How to: Sell

I recently came across a group of young co-eds selling home made pasta at a local college campus. I see them and think: interesting, pasta as a fund raiser. Who the fuck would want to buy that? Why would you think it is a good idea to sell pasta to people? Outside. I approach these young folks, apparently marketing majors by the looks of the sharpie tagged construction paper listing their goods price points included, and I see that “pasta” has already been marked down from $3.00 to $1.00. Well that’s cheap enough for me, fucking cheap enough indeed. You got me, let’s see what we’re working with here. I see the pasta is being served in the cheap aluminum throw away serving trays you commonly find at royal weddings, presidential inaugurations, and other special events like church picnics and assholes. They even got those goddamned dangerous flame in a can sitting underneath. I turn to the nearest-eager-beaver-go-getter-run-around. I ask him for a pasta, he removes the foil covering and I see that these young folks are trying to push pasta salad, hot pasta salad. Fuck, fuck man, pasta salad served hot, under the guise of some sort of Italian styled pasta dish, or tuna noodle casserole even. Seriously all pasta salad. Different types too. I look the old man in the eye and ask him what exactly they think he’s doing here? He looks at me blankly, mumbles something about sweet black ass, then fetches the nearest club supervisor, most likely an academic advisor or financial aid clerk trying to set a personal goal of least work done in a single day. The new face looking at me over this piping hot dish of German pasta salad asks me if I would like a soda and chips with my pasta, fucking CHO slinger. I try to get an explanation of what their angle here is, I say “HEY what is your deal?” Is it some type of performance art thing? No? Your fucked, that’s it, end of story, no clue, no clue what is going on here. None. Absolostluety perfectly ok with doing this, ya this is how pasta fucksalad is served, isn’t it?
I turn away in tears, climb onto my stick shift, and try to thrust my way into 1st. Not even the joys of a manual transmission in all its prostate-stimulating glory can save me from the situation. As a slowly roll backwards in neutral I think to myself that a little more headroom would be nice in this situation.