Its an important time in every young man’s life. You wait years for this moment. Hours of hard work you could have easily (easily) spent jerking off to pictures in last month’s Home & Garden will finally pay off. In preparation for the big moment, here are a few things to consider. Firstly, as the day approaches, you will likely begin to think obsessively about how you will look as the moment happens. Whatever you do, don’t be caught wearing brown plaid! Nothing screams “I have a radioactive penis and even my armpits have pimples!” like a brown plaid outfit. Second, brace yourself for the inevitable swelling by adhering to a strict regimen of ice and heat in the preceding weeks. Do NOT skimp on this. Thirdly, even though lots of people will say to you, “If you do today what you did yesterday, then soon tomorrow’s yesterdays will be today” DO NOT believe them. It is true on the surface, but a quick analysis of the data proves these commonly held beliefs to be slightly inaccurate, typically at a rate of .24 days/hour. Fourthly, you will face near-overwhelming desires to run down to the nearest poor neighborhood and buy grape drink. Give in to this desire, and give in fast, and hard and often. Nothing stokes a young man’s fire like grape drink. Fifthly, four words for you before you go: Don’t fake the funk. Sixthly, If you have to pawn your flat screen tv to pay for the celebration party YOU”RE PROBABLY HAVING 2 BIG OF A CELEBRATION PARTY YOU DUMMY. At an absolute maximum you should pawn no more than $800 in home electronics to offset the costs of your Celebration Party. This is a big event in any young man’s life, granted, but come on. i mean, come on. Seventhly, under no circumstances should you invite the girl who laughed at you when you farted while she went down on you in the gym locker room. This would only bring up painful memories during what should be a time of Joy and Celebration Party. Eightly, if you find yourself sweating allot, wipe it off with a towel before the commemorative photo is taken. This is the photo your future nieces and nephews will base their entire conception of your worth as a human on, so at least dab your brow you swine. Ninely, if you are still reading this, you have proven your dedication to making this the seminal moment of your young adult life. Congratulations. You may now begin preparing for this upcoming moment fully armed with the knowledge and wherewithal to at least maybe not fuck it up.
But enough about that. Have you ever thought about what would happen if somehow the Italian population began to exceed the Asian population in san francisco’s China Town?
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