Thursday, August 18, 2011
how to travel
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
How to: have nothing to do while your friend is out of state
Friday, June 17, 2011
Making decisions
Folks making decisions can be hard. We all know this. E.g.
Drinking the suggested amount of OTC cough syrup or the entire bottle
Taking a blow J from the random bro offering it to you while you walk down the street to go use the free computers at the community center
Buying the first car you find on the car version of backpages.com or shopping around for a more sensible less whorish of a car. But you do feel a connection to anything prostitutish don’t you?
Adopting nearly every pet people offer up to the ether or realizing that maybe it isn’t a good idea to have 23 various animals living in your 1bdrm apt
Staying up till 2 hours before you need to shove hotdogs up the mouths of the faces of the public who look up at you eagerly like the girl in HS who was just way to sexually charged for that small town, which is full of losers and baby she’s pulling out to win, as she looks longingly up to the cold eyes of the sofla db paying her 500 bucks to star in her first feature film. Or going to bed at a reasonable time
Being a homeless drunk pig or reading readily available life transforming web lit.
There are formulas available in making these critical decisions
Thinking that you are thinking critically and subjectively while in fact you are entire wrapped up in self so far that you’re blinded to the fact that continuing this process will eventually lead you to make a decisions such as the first example above.
Thinking about these decisions while lying in your bed at night, make sure your not really giving these decisions all of your attention. Fade in and out of consciousness. Veer way off track with thoughts about butts
Asking these guys
if you take nothing else from the deep insite presented here please take head to the final sugestion
which contain Thursday, June 16, 2011
Achievement
What happened to that guy who was all excited about driving stick shift? (THIS GUY)Did his shift run out? Or are you still sodomizing yourself with that oiled up gear shifter of yours? Ok readersavyletsgofolks.com would like to show exactly what happens when you start watching your waist band and stop watching the faces of your friends grow old and hairy. This is “How to not be an idiot by writing idiot things about your money (cum) guzzling car and get back in the sack with that hot chick from 2A."
- First eat some fruit this will give you sustenance, further more when people see you eating this fruit they will think you know what you’re doing. This is key if we want to achieve the goal.
- 2nd tattoo the c word (even savyreaderokbuttface.com isn’t going to print that) on/into your inner lower lip (sic). This will confuse the fuck out of people. Those gawkers of life who are rarely phased will be totally at loss for words. This is good. Catch em off guard. Then you can sneak in there and really show em what’s cooking.
- 3rdly go hamster
- 4th know exactly what you’re doing. (How to achieve this) This will lead you to utter failure, humiliation, depravation, and near insanity. It’s a good thing; this will set you up for a significant psychic change to enable you to fuck with them in a real meaningful way. Fucking c word!!
- FIFTH graders
- Sixth link to funny blogs that you think are funny sometimes. This will generate steam for your blog somehow. Networking bitched!
- 7 run it up the flag pole of your ass and see whose prostate it stimulates enough to achieve success in the business world
- 8 at these business mtgs before the mtgs read some proof positive literature on how to get your shit together. If not it’s going to be a big latent sexual desire springing mess.(HOW TO!)
- 9 drink MASSIVE amounts of OTC Cough Syrup this year of high school. It is a wasteful year and depressing time. You won’t want to be around for this.
- 10 further more as soon as one sensed or tastes the onset of puberty begin step 9, some things, just fuckingreadokfolkssavyballs.org.uk.eatit
Should this be published on the world wide double you. You decide. This is about you. It better not be if you want to make it. If you want to make past that next bottles of OTC dextromethorphan you pass. Put that syrup on your pancakes.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Writing On The Wall
The font I’m using to type this is called “Calibri”. I bet someone from out California way gave it that name. The land of fruits and nuts I tell you. It’s so stupid how people from California say bro all the time. They would probably suggest that this font should then be called CaliBRO, cus that’s where the best bros come from. Just saying. Well, writing. Let’s be honest here. Writing with electronic ink by the way, which brings me to my main point. Don’t stick your pen in company ink, wise doers. Not wise at all! Here’s what happens: Everyone and their Grandmother gets to see the writing on the wall. In this case, the ink was semen from a sobriety penis. It usually shoots out messages in the form of fortune cookies, right out of the snake eye. But this isn’t craps, snake eyes are no good here folks. This is just pure crap. No “s” on the end of it. Never heard of anyone going to take a craps, have you? “Hey Mark, I gotta go take a shits now.” Singular not plural. Not to be confused with Maths, the effective educational tool for helping youngsters with numbers. Even numbers can show it’s important to wear a condom over your sobriety penis. It helps prevent against spiritually transmitted diseases. Especially helpful if you’re the primary penetrator. In this case multiple penises were used to penetrate. So the odds of a disease we’re minimized to some degree. Diseases were running rampant, Down syndrome, turrets, epilepsy. Very hard to keep a condom on when you’re flopping around like a fish. These are very horrible diseases. They are also very contagious.
Another consequence of sexual relations between coworkers is the awkwardness that follows. Wanna stick your ball point in that cup of ink? I suggest you get some Febreeze because you’ll need to be prepared to air out some jizz-stained laundry. Nothing like the look on the face of your coworkers as they start to get a wiff of those crusty yellow boxer briefs you’ve been wearing for 2 days. You hamster, you. My advice, don’t wear underwear. No evidence to leave behind. Especially if said sexual encounter takes place at the job site.
There’s certainly going to be no romance or candlelight dinners there, just roast beef. Very rare to find some that isn’t pink. But if it’s discolored, or smells like tuna and cheese, run! This is not boar’s head. Quit your job. You won’t want anyone seeing your face at that place again. You can always make hot dogs or sell meat door to door.
Check ID>. Very important. 15 can get you 20. Your coworkers may look real young. I’ve got news for you, they probably are. 3rd graders want stuff too. Can’t really blame them. Another sign your coworker may not be of legal age to bang, a Justin Beiber lunch box. Besides your scrotum, pay attention to what they’re eating.
Last but not least: competition. Others have probably written on this wall. You just can’t see it as the ink will appear invisible to you. Your coworkers will probably have gotten away with writing on the wall numerous times but will read your writing and call you a pimp. They’ll gossip about you. Tell other coworkers about your extremely small penis size. For these reasons and many more, it is suggested that the parking lot is not a good location for erotic encounters. One might suggest getting in your manual transmission automobile and driving to the closest Dunkin Donuts. The bathroom there is ideal. The door has a lock on it, and every encounter ends with a happy ending; donuts.
I hope this information was useful to you and your fellows. In times of peace and times of war may this be a lesson to you. Unless you’re the one signing the checks, try not to stick your pen in the company ink.
Another consequence of sexual relations between coworkers is the awkwardness that follows. Wanna stick your ball point in that cup of ink? I suggest you get some Febreeze because you’ll need to be prepared to air out some jizz-stained laundry. Nothing like the look on the face of your coworkers as they start to get a wiff of those crusty yellow boxer briefs you’ve been wearing for 2 days. You hamster, you. My advice, don’t wear underwear. No evidence to leave behind. Especially if said sexual encounter takes place at the job site.
There’s certainly going to be no romance or candlelight dinners there, just roast beef. Very rare to find some that isn’t pink. But if it’s discolored, or smells like tuna and cheese, run! This is not boar’s head. Quit your job. You won’t want anyone seeing your face at that place again. You can always make hot dogs or sell meat door to door.
Check ID>. Very important. 15 can get you 20. Your coworkers may look real young. I’ve got news for you, they probably are. 3rd graders want stuff too. Can’t really blame them. Another sign your coworker may not be of legal age to bang, a Justin Beiber lunch box. Besides your scrotum, pay attention to what they’re eating.
Last but not least: competition. Others have probably written on this wall. You just can’t see it as the ink will appear invisible to you. Your coworkers will probably have gotten away with writing on the wall numerous times but will read your writing and call you a pimp. They’ll gossip about you. Tell other coworkers about your extremely small penis size. For these reasons and many more, it is suggested that the parking lot is not a good location for erotic encounters. One might suggest getting in your manual transmission automobile and driving to the closest Dunkin Donuts. The bathroom there is ideal. The door has a lock on it, and every encounter ends with a happy ending; donuts.
I hope this information was useful to you and your fellows. In times of peace and times of war may this be a lesson to you. Unless you’re the one signing the checks, try not to stick your pen in the company ink.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
How To: Win Friends and Influence People
Hey you! Yeah you: the loser. Stop looking around I mean you reading this right now. Dumbass. I used to be just like you; sitting alone on a seminal fluid-stained chair, genitals sore and spent, eyes puffy and red from crying tears of shame, and reading the opinion of some jackass on the Internet for lack of anything better to do. Well this is your lucky day, bud. If you follow the advice I’m about to lay out for you it will turn your entire life around. That painful genital irritation will no longer be self-inflicted. Your tears will be tears of joy, or maybe regret, but never again will there be shame. You will have a social life, a fellowship of friends and acquaintances will spring up about you. And they will all clamor for your attention and affection as they will know in their heart of hearts that you are better than they could ever be.
Self-help gurus that are educated stupid will tell you that you can never truly love another until you learn to love yourself. That’s garbage. Forget I even mentioned it. But it is certainly true that you can never dominate others with your superiority until you are assured in yourself that you have it. You can’t transmit something you don’t know you have. Self-help gurus will tell you to stand in front of the mirror and repeat positive affirmations to build your self-esteem. That’s great if you want to affirm what a pussy you are, but you already know you’re a pussy. That’s why you cry yourself to sleep at night. You need to become a dominate Alpha Male. Real men don’t think. They don’t talk. They take action.
The first action is, of course, to drive a manual transmission vehicle. (http://readersavy.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-to-drive-manual-transmission_22.html) If you’re not already doing that by this point you might as well just kill yourself now, as you’re probably beyond hope. Remember to cut up the road, not across the street. Becoming one with a highly tuned performance machine will go a long way toward giving you the spiritual awakening you need. Once you know you can skillfully make love to thousands of pounds of steel, that fat chick in the corner will be a cakewalk.
Next you must develop a healthy disdain for humanity. If you care for others or what their opinion of you is then you are vulnerable. It’s a jungle out there, and if you try to go out into the world with a thin skin you’ll get taken down faster than a three-legged gazelle by the lions of social inequity.
Drive your stick shift to the nearest high school party, no matter your age. Pull up on the lawn so all can see that you know what life is about. Go inside, grab a chair, and face it towards a wall. Sit and stare at the wall for at least two hours. You will probably either be ignored or asked to leave. There. You just proved to yourself that society is worthless and unworthy of your greatness. Now you can attack it with a vengeance.
Go to your friendly neighborhood mental hospital and enroll in their outpatient program. Make sure not to let them see your true self or they will commit you to inpatient, which will defeat the purpose of this exercise. Play nice. In this program you’ll find a lot of subhuman trash - people talking to themselves, obese elderly women covered in drool and other bodily fluids, even therapists. But there will be at least one, and possibly three or more fuckable women. They will be a little worse for the wear. Their minds will be broken. But their self-esteem will be low, so they will be easy to have sex with. Tell them they’re pretty, or that you love them, or that your penis cures cancer. Get them alone, make them take a bath, then fornicate furiously. Nothing breeds success like success, and once all the women out there see that you can get laid without paying for it, they will want to ride your gravy train.
Now it’s time to kick it up a notch. Find a support group. It is better if you don’t suffer from the problem the group is addressing. You could go to one for gamblers, or grief, or if you’re desperate you could even slum it with the losers in AA. But wherever you decide to go, go there, and bring your newfound attitude of superiority and success with you. Let them know that you know that they know that you are better than them. Then they will feel OK submitting to your superior will. Let them know you are a genius. Let them know how to live. They will thank you for it. Afterwards they will probably go out for coffee or something ridiculous like that. Go with them. Be smug and above the fray. Be awesome.
Congratulations! You now have friends and a social life. You’re welcome.
Self-help gurus that are educated stupid will tell you that you can never truly love another until you learn to love yourself. That’s garbage. Forget I even mentioned it. But it is certainly true that you can never dominate others with your superiority until you are assured in yourself that you have it. You can’t transmit something you don’t know you have. Self-help gurus will tell you to stand in front of the mirror and repeat positive affirmations to build your self-esteem. That’s great if you want to affirm what a pussy you are, but you already know you’re a pussy. That’s why you cry yourself to sleep at night. You need to become a dominate Alpha Male. Real men don’t think. They don’t talk. They take action.
The first action is, of course, to drive a manual transmission vehicle. (http://readersavy.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-to-drive-manual-transmission_22.html) If you’re not already doing that by this point you might as well just kill yourself now, as you’re probably beyond hope. Remember to cut up the road, not across the street. Becoming one with a highly tuned performance machine will go a long way toward giving you the spiritual awakening you need. Once you know you can skillfully make love to thousands of pounds of steel, that fat chick in the corner will be a cakewalk.
Next you must develop a healthy disdain for humanity. If you care for others or what their opinion of you is then you are vulnerable. It’s a jungle out there, and if you try to go out into the world with a thin skin you’ll get taken down faster than a three-legged gazelle by the lions of social inequity.
Drive your stick shift to the nearest high school party, no matter your age. Pull up on the lawn so all can see that you know what life is about. Go inside, grab a chair, and face it towards a wall. Sit and stare at the wall for at least two hours. You will probably either be ignored or asked to leave. There. You just proved to yourself that society is worthless and unworthy of your greatness. Now you can attack it with a vengeance.
Go to your friendly neighborhood mental hospital and enroll in their outpatient program. Make sure not to let them see your true self or they will commit you to inpatient, which will defeat the purpose of this exercise. Play nice. In this program you’ll find a lot of subhuman trash - people talking to themselves, obese elderly women covered in drool and other bodily fluids, even therapists. But there will be at least one, and possibly three or more fuckable women. They will be a little worse for the wear. Their minds will be broken. But their self-esteem will be low, so they will be easy to have sex with. Tell them they’re pretty, or that you love them, or that your penis cures cancer. Get them alone, make them take a bath, then fornicate furiously. Nothing breeds success like success, and once all the women out there see that you can get laid without paying for it, they will want to ride your gravy train.
Now it’s time to kick it up a notch. Find a support group. It is better if you don’t suffer from the problem the group is addressing. You could go to one for gamblers, or grief, or if you’re desperate you could even slum it with the losers in AA. But wherever you decide to go, go there, and bring your newfound attitude of superiority and success with you. Let them know that you know that they know that you are better than them. Then they will feel OK submitting to your superior will. Let them know you are a genius. Let them know how to live. They will thank you for it. Afterwards they will probably go out for coffee or something ridiculous like that. Go with them. Be smug and above the fray. Be awesome.
Congratulations! You now have friends and a social life. You’re welcome.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Superdog
There are a few things that must be mentioned about the success of any hotdog man. First being that they have some experience with male prostitution. Without this:-- failure is eminent. How the F do you expect to sell other people meat if you can’t even sell your own meat to other people. The quickest way to succumb to the temptations of selling your sweet ass for a buck is to live a life full of self indulgent excess. Eat lodes of crap whenever you can, take bottles of OTC cough syrup everyday for at least a year straight. This will give you a good start. Don’t bother with heroin and that other shit, they’ll be plenty of time for you later. Good old robotussin and the likes should bring you where you need to be.
The technicalities of hotdog making will come in time. The subtle hotdog dynamics of dealing with your coworkers, like that creepy dude stu, who you still don’t what the fuck is up with that guy anyway, are extremely difficult to manage, your experience in the field prior will give you the tools necessary to deal with their massive amount of shit. For instance let’s say Gary is being a bitch, Charlene is being a more than usual bitch, and Stu is in the back sexting his gf pics of 5 superdogs insterted inside himself. Wft Stu?!?! Are you going to freak out? Are you going to smash the pickle jar on the nearest fat mans’ head and walk out in a blaze of resentment and fear? If you do it again, I’m going to freak out. Or will know what to do. Inherently know how to handle the situation. Will the right answer come to you in your dreams while you sleep with Stu? So do it again. It won’t if you don’t get out there and sling your streat meat around a little first. Sure everyone thinks it’s easy to sell hotdogs. Just trying selling a hotdog without having your cock sucked at least 4 times against your will for money!!! Just try! Failure, guaranteed. Balls deep on a hotdog.
Once you’ve spent a few years in a total drug smothered haze you’ll will hopefully wind up in a situation where you are beyond gone, almost full circle into the realm of reason again, that you start questioning your own sexual preferences। This only needs to be done to the extent where you are able to imagine a glamorous life as a kept boy for some rich sugar daddy. Being fed all the OTC tussin and No2 your sweet little ass can handle. Once this seems like a reasonable life situation: hit the streets. Hit em hard. Get on a bus and head south, if your already south that’s good, should yield you the territory your looking for. and an an and and allthe nitrous your sweet little ass can handle. Make sure that when you get off the bus you are on the border of black out and almost incapable of producing thought or speech. Sit somewhere, become available. When you’re available; willing to give it up, they will know, and they will come. Some nice young middle aged lationo man, Frank for example, will pull up in that van he drives at the DTC he works at. Get in van, don’t worry Frank’s a nice guy, just looking for a good time, you’re the fuck up here, don’t you forget that!, that victum bullshit will get you know-where in hotdog land. Hang out, with him, try to wager some sort, of deal involving your ass for large amounts of cocaine and heroin, large amounts. Frank might think this is preposterous but come one, don’t you know who I am? Show him your cock, it will be (rock hard) flaccid like a big snail from all the syrup pumping through your veins (sic) like sludge. Making it physiological impossible to get an erection. No matter how soft Franks lips are or how cute that mustache is. Don’t worry he’s not going to want to have anything to do with that mess. Come on.
Get out and go away. In the near future get you shit together (http://readersavy.blogspot.com/2011/05/how-to-not-drink-like-pig.html). Your now ready to handle all the bullshit and harassment those fuckers can throw down your throat. Sell those hotdogs. Don’t ever forget what’s out there, be grateful that you get to choose when a wiener goes in your mouth now. Just make sure Stu hasn’t plugged them up his ass, unless you’re into that kidnd of thing. I love you.
The technicalities of hotdog making will come in time. The subtle hotdog dynamics of dealing with your coworkers, like that creepy dude stu, who you still don’t what the fuck is up with that guy anyway, are extremely difficult to manage, your experience in the field prior will give you the tools necessary to deal with their massive amount of shit. For instance let’s say Gary is being a bitch, Charlene is being a more than usual bitch, and Stu is in the back sexting his gf pics of 5 superdogs insterted inside himself. Wft Stu?!?! Are you going to freak out? Are you going to smash the pickle jar on the nearest fat mans’ head and walk out in a blaze of resentment and fear? If you do it again, I’m going to freak out. Or will know what to do. Inherently know how to handle the situation. Will the right answer come to you in your dreams while you sleep with Stu? So do it again. It won’t if you don’t get out there and sling your streat meat around a little first. Sure everyone thinks it’s easy to sell hotdogs. Just trying selling a hotdog without having your cock sucked at least 4 times against your will for money!!! Just try! Failure, guaranteed. Balls deep on a hotdog.
Once you’ve spent a few years in a total drug smothered haze you’ll will hopefully wind up in a situation where you are beyond gone, almost full circle into the realm of reason again, that you start questioning your own sexual preferences। This only needs to be done to the extent where you are able to imagine a glamorous life as a kept boy for some rich sugar daddy. Being fed all the OTC tussin and No2 your sweet little ass can handle. Once this seems like a reasonable life situation: hit the streets. Hit em hard. Get on a bus and head south, if your already south that’s good, should yield you the territory your looking for. and an an and and allthe nitrous your sweet little ass can handle. Make sure that when you get off the bus you are on the border of black out and almost incapable of producing thought or speech. Sit somewhere, become available. When you’re available; willing to give it up, they will know, and they will come. Some nice young middle aged lationo man, Frank for example, will pull up in that van he drives at the DTC he works at. Get in van, don’t worry Frank’s a nice guy, just looking for a good time, you’re the fuck up here, don’t you forget that!, that victum bullshit will get you know-where in hotdog land. Hang out, with him, try to wager some sort, of deal involving your ass for large amounts of cocaine and heroin, large amounts. Frank might think this is preposterous but come one, don’t you know who I am? Show him your cock, it will be (rock hard) flaccid like a big snail from all the syrup pumping through your veins (sic) like sludge. Making it physiological impossible to get an erection. No matter how soft Franks lips are or how cute that mustache is. Don’t worry he’s not going to want to have anything to do with that mess. Come on.
Get out and go away. In the near future get you shit together (http://readersavy.blogspot.com/2011/05/how-to-not-drink-like-pig.html). Your now ready to handle all the bullshit and harassment those fuckers can throw down your throat. Sell those hotdogs. Don’t ever forget what’s out there, be grateful that you get to choose when a wiener goes in your mouth now. Just make sure Stu hasn’t plugged them up his ass, unless you’re into that kidnd of thing. I love you.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
How To : Not Drink Like a Pig
Alright folks, lets go right to the point: if you’re anything like i used to be, you often wake up in a pool of your own vomit wondering what happened to that shred of dignity you could have sworn you had in your pocket the night before. You know what i’m talking about...you drink too much and then before you know it you lose control of situations and bodily functions, not necessarily in that order. I’m not talking to the guy or gal who has a few beers and then spills some down the front of their clean shirt...i’m talking to the slob who doesn’t even remember what a clean shirt is and chases whiskey with vodka straight from the bottle.
Ok, so enough about the problem, let’s get into the solution. I’ve done alot of trial and ALOT of error, so i know what works.
1. i do alot of my heavy drinking in bars. So,in order to stay sober i have to minimize my time in bars. i can usually maintain for about 30 minutes at which point i start getting cravings to injest massive quantities of cheap booze. Thats when i know its time to punch a bouncer and get tossed out on my ass. You can also try throwing water in the face of the nearest girl with a huge boyfriend or telling the bartender you want to climb over the bar and smash a bottle over her head. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THROWN OUT SO YOU DONT DRINK.
2. Hang out with lots of young children. Most kids i know don’t yet drink heavily. So these are the people you want to spend time with and become friends with. You might say, Well, duh! But where do i meet them?? I meet most of my child friends at elementary school functions, playgrounds, YMCAs, and bathrooms. Just make sure they are unsupervised, because if adults are around, the adults might be drinking heavily and they might say something like, hey come have a drink with us, it’ll be fun. Don’t be fooled, you’ll have waaaaay more fun with those children.
3. I did most of my heavy drinking while i was awake. A few times i hooked myself up to an IV drip of jack daniels to keep me lubed up while i slept, but primarily i was wide awake. SO, it only makes sense that in order to stay sober it will help to cut down on your waking hours. I generally adhere to a pretty strict sleep regimen of 17-19 hours a day. this leaves only 5-6 hours of gritting your teeth staying sober.
4. Prostitution was invented to keep men from drinking too much. Use it.
5. Spend all your money as soon as you get it. Im not a hot slut, so no one buys me drinks. Its simple math folks...drinks cost money, if i don’t have money, i don’t drink. Buy anything. I once bought $3,000 worth of sudoku puzzle books. I also spend roughly 70% of my disposable income on internet porn subscriptions.
5. i cant take credit for this next one...a dear friend clued me in, but its a fool-proof method. Ever find yourself with a few random hours to kill after a morning and afternoon of heavy drinking?? You want to settle down a bit before you really start drinking for the night, but what to do with those awkward late afternoon hours?? Ideally, you’d want to call your coke dealer and “line” up a little pick me up, but sometimes he gets arrested or murdered. The answer: Nitrous. Yup, the old laughing gas. It will reeeeeaaaally twist your head and leave you feeling like you’ve just had your brains infused with mayonaisse... perfect for clearing your palate and getting you back to the ground floor. If possible, combine wacks of coke WITH copious amounts of nitrous for an even better bridge between heavy drinking. (If nitrous is not readily available, crack or methamphetamine will serve as a suitable substitute.)
6. In a similiar vein, nothing makes me forget about wanting to drink like hard drugs. They get a bad rap, but thats from people who dont do them. Also, most people use them to get high, but if you use them to keep from drinking, thats totally different. Kind of like how if you stab and kill someone over a game of poker its called murder, but if you kill someone in the heat of battle its called heroism.
7. Get arrested. It works every time. they don’t serve beer in jail so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this is the best place for you to spend alot of time if you are serious about staying sober and changing your life. The best way is to rape someone or to punch a cop squarely in the mouth and then reach for his gun. Nothing ensures sobriety like getting a long bid.
8. Eat until you puke. the LAST thing you will want to do after stuffing your face and blowing chunks is to go do heavy drinking. you’ll want nothing to do with it! I recommend beef in various forms and methods of preparation. And don’t be afraid to take down some raw meat as it will speed up the onset of projectile vomiting.
9. Spend alot of time with puppies and kittens. When i’m with them, my mind is at ease and i’m focusing on how cute they are instead of how badly i want to get a funnel and pour 151 straight down my throat.
10. Go to an AA meeting. These people have no idea what they’re talking about, i know, BUT, if you go there you’ll feel alot better about yourself. High self esteem makes you not feel so much like drinking vodka until you dont feel feelings..
12. Handcuffs keep you chained to your wall. If you don’t keep booze right next to your wall, this is a foolproof method to help you stay sober and happy.
13. Get into a really really toxic co-dependent relationship. The benefits of this should be obvious. You’ll be so consumed with alternating fits of passion and rage that drinking will be the last thing on your mind. Besides, you may end up hitting or killing your partner, which would land you in jail, which as we learned in 7 is one of the best places to stay sober.
14. Hire someone to beat you to within an inch of your life if you drink. Choose wisely here, this person must be with you at all times. They should be well-schooled in several disciplines of martial arts and carry at least 3 sidearms.
15. Use a combination of heavy sedatives and tranquilizers. You don’t see many horses passed out on ketamine getting drunk do you?? You do the math... sedatives keep you sober.
So that’s that folks. If you want to be sober like me, just stick to this plan. Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself. If you drink until you’re no longer able to form cohesive thoughts, just keep drinking until you end up in the hospital. I’m gonna talk to doctors about getting them to distribute this list so hopefully you’ll get a copy and start turning your life around. Remember, no matter what, just don’t pick up the first drink.
Ok, so enough about the problem, let’s get into the solution. I’ve done alot of trial and ALOT of error, so i know what works.
1. i do alot of my heavy drinking in bars. So,in order to stay sober i have to minimize my time in bars. i can usually maintain for about 30 minutes at which point i start getting cravings to injest massive quantities of cheap booze. Thats when i know its time to punch a bouncer and get tossed out on my ass. You can also try throwing water in the face of the nearest girl with a huge boyfriend or telling the bartender you want to climb over the bar and smash a bottle over her head. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THROWN OUT SO YOU DONT DRINK.
2. Hang out with lots of young children. Most kids i know don’t yet drink heavily. So these are the people you want to spend time with and become friends with. You might say, Well, duh! But where do i meet them?? I meet most of my child friends at elementary school functions, playgrounds, YMCAs, and bathrooms. Just make sure they are unsupervised, because if adults are around, the adults might be drinking heavily and they might say something like, hey come have a drink with us, it’ll be fun. Don’t be fooled, you’ll have waaaaay more fun with those children.
3. I did most of my heavy drinking while i was awake. A few times i hooked myself up to an IV drip of jack daniels to keep me lubed up while i slept, but primarily i was wide awake. SO, it only makes sense that in order to stay sober it will help to cut down on your waking hours. I generally adhere to a pretty strict sleep regimen of 17-19 hours a day. this leaves only 5-6 hours of gritting your teeth staying sober.
4. Prostitution was invented to keep men from drinking too much. Use it.
5. Spend all your money as soon as you get it. Im not a hot slut, so no one buys me drinks. Its simple math folks...drinks cost money, if i don’t have money, i don’t drink. Buy anything. I once bought $3,000 worth of sudoku puzzle books. I also spend roughly 70% of my disposable income on internet porn subscriptions.
5. i cant take credit for this next one...a dear friend clued me in, but its a fool-proof method. Ever find yourself with a few random hours to kill after a morning and afternoon of heavy drinking?? You want to settle down a bit before you really start drinking for the night, but what to do with those awkward late afternoon hours?? Ideally, you’d want to call your coke dealer and “line” up a little pick me up, but sometimes he gets arrested or murdered. The answer: Nitrous. Yup, the old laughing gas. It will reeeeeaaaally twist your head and leave you feeling like you’ve just had your brains infused with mayonaisse... perfect for clearing your palate and getting you back to the ground floor. If possible, combine wacks of coke WITH copious amounts of nitrous for an even better bridge between heavy drinking. (If nitrous is not readily available, crack or methamphetamine will serve as a suitable substitute.)
6. In a similiar vein, nothing makes me forget about wanting to drink like hard drugs. They get a bad rap, but thats from people who dont do them. Also, most people use them to get high, but if you use them to keep from drinking, thats totally different. Kind of like how if you stab and kill someone over a game of poker its called murder, but if you kill someone in the heat of battle its called heroism.
7. Get arrested. It works every time. they don’t serve beer in jail so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this is the best place for you to spend alot of time if you are serious about staying sober and changing your life. The best way is to rape someone or to punch a cop squarely in the mouth and then reach for his gun. Nothing ensures sobriety like getting a long bid.
8. Eat until you puke. the LAST thing you will want to do after stuffing your face and blowing chunks is to go do heavy drinking. you’ll want nothing to do with it! I recommend beef in various forms and methods of preparation. And don’t be afraid to take down some raw meat as it will speed up the onset of projectile vomiting.
9. Spend alot of time with puppies and kittens. When i’m with them, my mind is at ease and i’m focusing on how cute they are instead of how badly i want to get a funnel and pour 151 straight down my throat.
10. Go to an AA meeting. These people have no idea what they’re talking about, i know, BUT, if you go there you’ll feel alot better about yourself. High self esteem makes you not feel so much like drinking vodka until you dont feel feelings..
12. Handcuffs keep you chained to your wall. If you don’t keep booze right next to your wall, this is a foolproof method to help you stay sober and happy.
13. Get into a really really toxic co-dependent relationship. The benefits of this should be obvious. You’ll be so consumed with alternating fits of passion and rage that drinking will be the last thing on your mind. Besides, you may end up hitting or killing your partner, which would land you in jail, which as we learned in 7 is one of the best places to stay sober.
14. Hire someone to beat you to within an inch of your life if you drink. Choose wisely here, this person must be with you at all times. They should be well-schooled in several disciplines of martial arts and carry at least 3 sidearms.
15. Use a combination of heavy sedatives and tranquilizers. You don’t see many horses passed out on ketamine getting drunk do you?? You do the math... sedatives keep you sober.
So that’s that folks. If you want to be sober like me, just stick to this plan. Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself. If you drink until you’re no longer able to form cohesive thoughts, just keep drinking until you end up in the hospital. I’m gonna talk to doctors about getting them to distribute this list so hopefully you’ll get a copy and start turning your life around. Remember, no matter what, just don’t pick up the first drink.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
How to: Sell
I recently came across a group of young co-eds selling home made pasta at a local college campus. I see them and think: interesting, pasta as a fund raiser. Who the fuck would want to buy that? Why would you think it is a good idea to sell pasta to people? Outside. I approach these young folks, apparently marketing majors by the looks of the sharpie tagged construction paper listing their goods price points included, and I see that “pasta” has already been marked down from $3.00 to $1.00. Well that’s cheap enough for me, fucking cheap enough indeed. You got me, let’s see what we’re working with here. I see the pasta is being served in the cheap aluminum throw away serving trays you commonly find at royal weddings, presidential inaugurations, and other special events like church picnics and assholes. They even got those goddamned dangerous flame in a can sitting underneath. I turn to the nearest-eager-beaver-go-getter-run-around. I ask him for a pasta, he removes the foil covering and I see that these young folks are trying to push pasta salad, hot pasta salad. Fuck, fuck man, pasta salad served hot, under the guise of some sort of Italian styled pasta dish, or tuna noodle casserole even. Seriously all pasta salad. Different types too. I look the old man in the eye and ask him what exactly they think he’s doing here? He looks at me blankly, mumbles something about sweet black ass, then fetches the nearest club supervisor, most likely an academic advisor or financial aid clerk trying to set a personal goal of least work done in a single day. The new face looking at me over this piping hot dish of German pasta salad asks me if I would like a soda and chips with my pasta, fucking CHO slinger. I try to get an explanation of what their angle here is, I say “HEY what is your deal?” Is it some type of performance art thing? No? Your fucked, that’s it, end of story, no clue, no clue what is going on here. None. Absolostluety perfectly ok with doing this, ya this is how pasta fucksalad is served, isn’t it?
I turn away in tears, climb onto my stick shift, and try to thrust my way into 1st. Not even the joys of a manual transmission in all its prostate-stimulating glory can save me from the situation. As a slowly roll backwards in neutral I think to myself that a little more headroom would be nice in this situation.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Me On Us On You: An Exploitative Exploration of Third Party Threesome Narration
You wake up in the middle of the night with the overwhelming sensation of floating. You are in a warm lake. Slowly, you open your eyes and try to swim. As you move your arms you gradually slip out of your dreamlike state and begin to gain awareness of your surroundings. You still think you are in some sort of warm ocean, but the presence of your bed beneath you makes this seem less and less likely as you slowly wake up. You move around. And then it hits you: you have shit yourself in your sleep. And not just any old Lincoln Log shit, no, this is a runny brown motor oil liquid explosion shit. “I could swear this shit wasn’t here when i went to bed!” you cry out. Instinctively, you reach your hand to the scene of the crime to ASSes the situation. As soon as your hand slides beneath your boxers you realize you have made a terrible miscalculation. You now have a shit covered hand as well as shitted in boxers.
For a moment, your instincts scream, “Just go back to sleep! It will all be ok when you wake up.” But experience in this sort of thing helps you realize the fallacy of this promise. With a sigh and a slosh you slide out of bed and walk to the bathroom, your thighs a bit more lubricated than usual as they chaffe together. You feel the warmth slowly gliding down your leg as you trudge the long road to the bathroom. At this point, your senses are completely awake and the smell of your midnight delivery seers your nostrils. Forcing back the urge to vomit you remove your boxers with shaking hands and flop onto the toilet. Half asleep, you consider your next move. With some effort, you push, thinking their may be more. But all that escapes is a weary fart, the last one to leave the party, all the other guests having already spilled into your boxers. You recall with a wistful sigh the day you bought those pink checkered boxers. They looked so fresh and proud in their 3 pack cardboard wrapper. So stiffly starched. So full of the promise that some day they may be pulled off from around your ankle by your own foot, to end up on the floor as a beautiful woman ravages your body with her mouth. This thought leads to an image of a beautiful woman ravaging your body in its present condition. Again, you nearly vomit. You never imagined your poor pink checkered boxers would end up like this... with a brown badge of shame slowly seeping in and spreading. They look so defeated; so shitty. Slowly, you pick yourself up from the toilett and wipe off your shit covered ass. A tragic case of too little too late. Looking around, you find your roommates shorts and put them on. “These should get me through the night” you think to yourself. In a flash of brilliance you draw a sinkful of warm water and toss in your defeated boxers. Perhaps they’ll live to fight another day now. Returning to bed, you console yourself with the thoguht that at least you didn’t shit right on the bed.
For a moment, your instincts scream, “Just go back to sleep! It will all be ok when you wake up.” But experience in this sort of thing helps you realize the fallacy of this promise. With a sigh and a slosh you slide out of bed and walk to the bathroom, your thighs a bit more lubricated than usual as they chaffe together. You feel the warmth slowly gliding down your leg as you trudge the long road to the bathroom. At this point, your senses are completely awake and the smell of your midnight delivery seers your nostrils. Forcing back the urge to vomit you remove your boxers with shaking hands and flop onto the toilet. Half asleep, you consider your next move. With some effort, you push, thinking their may be more. But all that escapes is a weary fart, the last one to leave the party, all the other guests having already spilled into your boxers. You recall with a wistful sigh the day you bought those pink checkered boxers. They looked so fresh and proud in their 3 pack cardboard wrapper. So stiffly starched. So full of the promise that some day they may be pulled off from around your ankle by your own foot, to end up on the floor as a beautiful woman ravages your body with her mouth. This thought leads to an image of a beautiful woman ravaging your body in its present condition. Again, you nearly vomit. You never imagined your poor pink checkered boxers would end up like this... with a brown badge of shame slowly seeping in and spreading. They look so defeated; so shitty. Slowly, you pick yourself up from the toilett and wipe off your shit covered ass. A tragic case of too little too late. Looking around, you find your roommates shorts and put them on. “These should get me through the night” you think to yourself. In a flash of brilliance you draw a sinkful of warm water and toss in your defeated boxers. Perhaps they’ll live to fight another day now. Returning to bed, you console yourself with the thoguht that at least you didn’t shit right on the bed.
When you awaken the next morning, you realize that you did, in fact, shit...right on the bed. Boxers could not contain this sort of explosion. Like the white elephant in a room, the brown stain on your white bedspread stares you in the eye, a shit-eating grin plastered on its face. You think back to a few days earlier when your friend had thrown some dirty clothes on your bed and you had shouted at him, “Get that shit off my bed!” How prophetic those words had been... And yesterday, when your roommate had again left the dishes lying out and you had thought to yourself, “I’m sick of this shit!” What an understatement....
Will your co-workers guess what happened to you? Will the stain come out? What of the stain to your pride? To your confidence in farting in public? Will you ever push hard to fart again without thoughts of that dreadful 4am swim coming flooding back to haunt you? Shit like that doesn’t just go away. Shit like that can bother you for awhile. It’s not the big shit that brings you down, its the little shit at 4am.
Monday, April 25, 2011
How to: Write
Ever have someone tell you they think you’d be a really good writer? Yes I have. You might be thinking it right now as you read this. You might be wishing you could tell me yourself how good of a writer you are. But you are not, so you can’t. Some tips on how to write more good.
· Purchase and operate a manual transmission vehicle
· Practice internalizing your thoughts throughout the day when the loved ones in your life vomit asinine advice on your face. This will give supply you with ample animosity to fuel your writing.
· Try to consistently operate in a state of high awareness. Something that can easily be obtained from driving a manual transmission vehicle.
· Let your fingers do the thinking. You don’t have any good ideas.
· Never ever proof read what you write. Don’t be a pussy.
· Read as much pornographic literature as you can. If you need an explanation why this is important give up right now, you do not have a high enough level of insight into the human condition to be a writer.
· Don’t worry about grammar, sentence structure, spelling or any of that gay shit. Stuff like that is for academia solely. Useless propaganda created to filter truth out of writing.
·
· Read between the lines.
· Don’t ever buy into the hype.
· Read through an entire dictionary and thesaurus while under the influence of a nearly lethal dose of OTC cough medicine.
· Stop listening to shitty music and get with the program.
· Enroll at whatever the nearest institute of higher education is to you right now. Major in Philosophy, switch to English, half way through, take a year off to find yourself, then go back and get a degree in radiography because you need money fast to pay off the massive debt you accrued from being a jack ass for the past year.
The list above will give you a good start on your road to poverty and failure as a writer. You can. You can achieve this. You will show them. You know what you are talking about. The road to success is paved by the bodies of the incompetent.
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