Tuesday, May 3, 2011

How To : Not Drink Like a Pig

Alright folks, lets go right to the point: if you’re anything like i used to be, you often wake up in a pool of your own vomit wondering what happened to that shred of dignity you could have sworn you had in your pocket the night before.  You know what i’m talking about...you drink too much and then before you know it you lose control of situations and bodily functions, not necessarily in that order.  I’m not talking to the guy or gal who has a few beers and then spills some down the front of their clean shirt...i’m talking to the slob who doesn’t even remember what a clean shirt is and chases whiskey with vodka straight from the bottle.  

Ok, so enough about the problem, let’s get into the solution.  I’ve done alot of trial and ALOT of error, so i know what works.

1. i do alot of my heavy drinking in bars.  So,in order to stay sober i have to minimize my time in bars.  i can usually maintain for about 30 minutes at which point i start getting cravings to injest massive quantities of cheap booze.  Thats when i know its time to punch a bouncer and get tossed out on my ass.  You can also try throwing water in the face of the nearest girl with a huge boyfriend or telling the bartender you want to climb over the bar and smash a bottle over her head.  Do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THROWN OUT SO YOU DONT DRINK.

2. Hang out with lots of young children.  Most kids i know don’t yet drink heavily.  So these are the people you want to spend time with and become friends with.    You might say, Well, duh! But where do i meet them??  I meet most of my child friends at elementary school functions, playgrounds, YMCAs, and bathrooms.  Just make sure they are unsupervised, because if adults are around, the adults might be drinking heavily and they might say something like, hey come have a drink with us, it’ll be fun.  Don’t be fooled, you’ll have waaaaay more fun with those children.

3.  I did most of my heavy drinking while i was awake.  A few times i hooked myself up to an IV drip of jack daniels to keep me lubed up while i slept, but primarily i was wide awake.  SO, it only makes sense that in order to stay sober it will help to cut down on your waking hours.  I generally adhere to a pretty strict sleep regimen of 17-19 hours a day.  this leaves only 5-6 hours of gritting your teeth staying sober.  

4.  Prostitution was invented to keep men from drinking too much.  Use it.

5.  Spend all your money as soon as you get it.  Im not a hot slut, so no one buys me drinks.  Its simple math folks...drinks cost money, if i don’t have money, i don’t drink.  Buy anything.  I once bought $3,000 worth of sudoku puzzle books.  I also spend roughly 70% of my disposable income on internet porn subscriptions.


5.  i cant take credit for this next one...a dear friend clued me in, but its a fool-proof method.  Ever find yourself with a few random hours to kill after a morning and afternoon of heavy drinking??  You want to settle down a bit before you really start drinking for the night, but what to do with those awkward late afternoon hours??  Ideally, you’d want to call your coke dealer and “line” up a little pick me up, but sometimes he gets arrested or murdered.  The answer: Nitrous.  Yup, the old laughing gas.  It will reeeeeaaaally twist your head and leave you feeling like you’ve just had your brains infused with mayonaisse... perfect for clearing your palate and getting you back to the ground floor.  If possible, combine wacks of coke WITH copious amounts of nitrous for an even better bridge between heavy drinking.  (If nitrous is not readily available, crack or methamphetamine will serve as a suitable substitute.)

6.  In a similiar vein, nothing makes me forget about wanting to drink like hard drugs.  They get a bad rap, but thats from people who dont do them.  Also, most people use them to get high, but if you use them to keep from drinking, thats totally different.  Kind of like how if you stab and kill someone over a game of poker its called murder, but if you kill someone in the heat of battle its called heroism.

7.  Get arrested.  It works every time.  they don’t serve beer in jail so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this is the best place for you to spend alot of time if you are serious about staying sober and changing your life.  The best way is to rape someone or to punch a cop squarely in the mouth and then reach for his gun.  Nothing ensures sobriety like getting a long bid.

8.  Eat until you puke.  the LAST thing you will want to do after stuffing your face and blowing chunks is to go do heavy drinking.  you’ll want nothing to do with it!  I recommend beef in various forms and methods of preparation.  And don’t be afraid to take down some raw meat as it will speed up the onset of projectile vomiting.

9.  Spend alot of time with puppies and kittens.  When i’m with them, my mind is at ease and i’m focusing on how cute they are instead of how badly i want to get a funnel and pour 151 straight down my throat.
10.  Go to an AA meeting.  These people have no idea what they’re talking about, i know, BUT, if you go there you’ll feel alot better about yourself.  High self esteem  makes you not feel so much like drinking vodka until you dont feel feelings..

12.  Handcuffs keep you chained to your wall.  If you don’t keep booze right next to your wall, this is a foolproof method to help you stay sober and happy.

13.  Get into a really really toxic co-dependent relationship. The benefits of this should be obvious.  You’ll be so consumed with alternating fits of passion and rage that drinking will be the last thing on your mind.  Besides, you may end up hitting or killing your partner, which would land you in jail, which as we learned in 7 is one of the best places to stay sober.

14.  Hire someone to beat you to within an inch of your life if you drink.  Choose wisely here, this person must be with you at all times.  They should be well-schooled in several disciplines of martial arts and carry at least 3 sidearms.  

15.  Use a combination of heavy sedatives and tranquilizers.  You don’t see many horses passed out on ketamine getting drunk do you??  You do the math... sedatives keep you sober.

So that’s that folks.  If you want to be sober like me, just stick to this plan.  Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself.  If you drink until you’re no longer able to form cohesive thoughts, just keep drinking until you end up in the hospital.  I’m gonna talk to doctors about getting them to distribute this list so hopefully you’ll get a copy and start turning your life around.  Remember, no matter what, just don’t pick up the first drink.

2 comments:

  1. whoever wrote this was definitely wasted.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I thought after an week of following your directions I would start to see the promises come true, instead all I see is the endlessly gaping black hole of my cellmate. He IS terrifying me, he IS taking me at his will, and he is NOT using loob

    ReplyDelete