Hey you! Yeah you: the loser. Stop looking around I mean you reading this right now. Dumbass. I used to be just like you; sitting alone on a seminal fluid-stained chair, genitals sore and spent, eyes puffy and red from crying tears of shame, and reading the opinion of some jackass on the Internet for lack of anything better to do. Well this is your lucky day, bud. If you follow the advice I’m about to lay out for you it will turn your entire life around. That painful genital irritation will no longer be self-inflicted. Your tears will be tears of joy, or maybe regret, but never again will there be shame. You will have a social life, a fellowship of friends and acquaintances will spring up about you. And they will all clamor for your attention and affection as they will know in their heart of hearts that you are better than they could ever be.
Self-help gurus that are educated stupid will tell you that you can never truly love another until you learn to love yourself. That’s garbage. Forget I even mentioned it. But it is certainly true that you can never dominate others with your superiority until you are assured in yourself that you have it. You can’t transmit something you don’t know you have. Self-help gurus will tell you to stand in front of the mirror and repeat positive affirmations to build your self-esteem. That’s great if you want to affirm what a pussy you are, but you already know you’re a pussy. That’s why you cry yourself to sleep at night. You need to become a dominate Alpha Male. Real men don’t think. They don’t talk. They take action.
The first action is, of course, to drive a manual transmission vehicle. (http://readersavy.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-to-drive-manual-transmission_22.html) If you’re not already doing that by this point you might as well just kill yourself now, as you’re probably beyond hope. Remember to cut up the road, not across the street. Becoming one with a highly tuned performance machine will go a long way toward giving you the spiritual awakening you need. Once you know you can skillfully make love to thousands of pounds of steel, that fat chick in the corner will be a cakewalk.
Next you must develop a healthy disdain for humanity. If you care for others or what their opinion of you is then you are vulnerable. It’s a jungle out there, and if you try to go out into the world with a thin skin you’ll get taken down faster than a three-legged gazelle by the lions of social inequity.
Drive your stick shift to the nearest high school party, no matter your age. Pull up on the lawn so all can see that you know what life is about. Go inside, grab a chair, and face it towards a wall. Sit and stare at the wall for at least two hours. You will probably either be ignored or asked to leave. There. You just proved to yourself that society is worthless and unworthy of your greatness. Now you can attack it with a vengeance.
Go to your friendly neighborhood mental hospital and enroll in their outpatient program. Make sure not to let them see your true self or they will commit you to inpatient, which will defeat the purpose of this exercise. Play nice. In this program you’ll find a lot of subhuman trash - people talking to themselves, obese elderly women covered in drool and other bodily fluids, even therapists. But there will be at least one, and possibly three or more fuckable women. They will be a little worse for the wear. Their minds will be broken. But their self-esteem will be low, so they will be easy to have sex with. Tell them they’re pretty, or that you love them, or that your penis cures cancer. Get them alone, make them take a bath, then fornicate furiously. Nothing breeds success like success, and once all the women out there see that you can get laid without paying for it, they will want to ride your gravy train.
Now it’s time to kick it up a notch. Find a support group. It is better if you don’t suffer from the problem the group is addressing. You could go to one for gamblers, or grief, or if you’re desperate you could even slum it with the losers in AA. But wherever you decide to go, go there, and bring your newfound attitude of superiority and success with you. Let them know that you know that they know that you are better than them. Then they will feel OK submitting to your superior will. Let them know you are a genius. Let them know how to live. They will thank you for it. Afterwards they will probably go out for coffee or something ridiculous like that. Go with them. Be smug and above the fray. Be awesome.
Congratulations! You now have friends and a social life. You’re welcome.
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